Thursday, October 30, 2008!
Troubled Mind
At this point of time i'm working so now i'm actually penning down my thoughts.. Just felt like writing since I have so much on my mind right now.. This is the first time i'm doing an entry on a duty day..
Its already past midnight and could say that everyone is asleep, or maybe some are still talking on mobile phones with their spouses or playing hand-held games.. But the lights are out and all of them are already on their "designated" beds (They use their years of service as a hold of the beds.. -_-).. So what am I doing still staying up and not sleeping when I should? Well, I just finished ironing my uniform for Commander's Parade on the 31st Oct.. Another thing is that I can't sleep at all.. Guessed its becoz I just came back from a fire call which was involving the smell of gas coming from a school gate.. (What more it was my primary and secondary school that i studied at) The problem was, the smell's actually just some garbage that came from a nearby dump.. -_-... Before going for the call, I was actually kind of asleep, but as usual I dun get the best out of it.. I've been having difficulty sleeping the past few nights, or u could say its been already more than a week that I have been like this..
Maybe its becoz of that incident that happened recently.. And so my heart felt heavy and kept thinking about it.. Everytime before going to sleep, I can't help but always think of her.. Her smiles, eyes, voice, features and all, I really miss them.. And yet I'm sitting here, not being able to do anything like actually calling/smsing to ask how is she doing.. I just can't do it since the both of us knew that I am backing off to give her some time.. All I could do at the most now is just to take out my phone and look at a picture of her.. I really miss her.. I so feel like talking to her and looking at her smiles.. Really makes me feel like a goner when i used to meet her and talk.. Now its so hard for me to even lift my phone to call her.. What can I do now? Nothing since i've already made a grave mistake that made her lose her trust in me.. Two nights ago, EV read my previous entry and decided to ask me about everything.. So I told her from point A to Z.. Honestly, I dun really know what's her impression of me now.. I just wonder is it the same as "her"? Though EV told me that she dun hate me but just disappointed about what I have done, i really appreciate her for giving a listening ear.. Still at this point of time, i wonder how she feels about me now..
So now i'm thinking whether do I still have a chance with her? And does EV still sees me as that "Mr Nice Guy" in her eyes? I dun think i will be going thru a good time soon.. I guess I'll end my entry here and better get some sleep.. Got to be up in about four hours time.. Ciaoz~!
12:12 AM
NoWaKi
Monday, October 27, 2008!
Answer: "Good And Bad"
Days after the recent incident that happened, i asked myself wad was i really thinking.. I had some time to think after everything that happened.. And realised that i didn't just have an answer, but two of them.. Good and Bad.. Unfortunately, i only managed to tell her one which is the "bad" answer and now, my chance of being with her is totally gone..
I remembered that i had two answers before that incident happened.. The "good" was that i really like her and of course naturally, i would wanna be closer with her.. The "bad" was actually just getting back at her of wad she did a few months back.. I only told her the "bad" because i know its not right and there was a guilty feeling from it.. But thinking back, i was also thinking y did i actually even thought of the "bad" answer.. And even then, why didn't i tell her the other truth? Which is the "good"? I asked myself y did i only gave her the "bad" answer.. And i realised that even though telling her the "good" one, it won't change anything.. All because i still have the thought of thinking up the "bad" one.. She was right, that i was still conscious to be able to think.. I really wanted to stop everything because i didn't only have a "bad" but i also did have a "good".. But y did i end up going further? Was it really because i wanted to get back at her? Or was it because that i really like her and just wanted to get closer? Now i come to realised now that the real answer was more to being to the "good"....
But i just couldn't tell her just the "good" part.. Because i know, i would still have that guilty feeling if i kept the "bad" in my heart.. That's y i couldn't tell her and i just told her the "bad" answer.. I just couldn't say the "good" because i was so confused and so afraid that she would think i made up a lie during that time.. I didn't want her to think that way and even now, i still i can't tell her that i really like her before the incident.. That i didn't just do it for revenge, but a way to show that i really like her.. Though it was the wrong way and i knew it, i just wanted to be closer with her.. Now i'm in a situation where i can't turn back.. She hates me and doesn't want to see me.. Worse of all, i lost the trust that she had of me.. And she already made a final decision regarding her school.. Honestly, i dun even dare to even call/sms or meet her.. Even though she said that i could still call and once in awhile to meet up.. I just dun think i can do it.. Because all i want now is her forgiveness and a second chance.. I'm just waiting for that time to come..
I'm silently still waiting for her.. I told her it was kind of a punishment to myself.. And since i recently met her to talk abt it once again, she at least is taking her time to reconsider everything.. Its gonna be a long time, but i know its worth the while.. I really miss her now though..
1:42 PM
NoWaKi
Friday, October 17, 2008!
Will You Find It With Me?
Love prevents you from realizing "love is too much of a burden"
before it turns to hatred.
Ain't it the same for everything?
You always put a lid on nasty events, turning to a false reality.
In this era of twisted dilemmas
even we two who exchanged a promise
cross each other without realizing.
Breaking each other, we've abandoned the idea of understanding one another.
Is this the end that awaits us?
Even as I rise, unable to acknowledge this,
I won't run away from the image of my fall.
Ah, no matter how many times, I'll look out for these eyes of yours
and the warmth of your hands.
You whispered, "love always hurts me."
You must've been crying, scared of believing, weren't you?
Know your weaknesses and grow strong
by believing and not being afraid
and you will know true love.
Song by UVERworld
Song is dedicated to........M..
I hope we can find it together side by side..
2:57 PM
NoWaKi
