Monday, December 25, 2006!
Stepping Back
退后
Stepping Back
天空灰得像哭过
The sky is so gray that it looks like it just cried
离开你以后
After leaving you
並沒有更自由
I did not regain more freedom
酸酸的空氣
From the air
嗅出我们的距离
I smelt our distance
一幕锥心的结局
A heart breaking ending
像呼吸般无法停息
is continuous just like breathing
抽屉泛黄的日记
The yellowing diary lied in the drawer
榨乾了回憶
Had pressed dried our memories
那笑容是夏季
That smile is summer
你我的过去
Our past
被順時針的忘记
Has been forgotten as time goes by
缺氧过后的爱情
Love after anoxia
粗心的眼泪是多余
Careless tears are unnecessary
我知道你我都没有错
I know that the fault is not in either one of us
只是忘了怎么退后
We just forgot how to step back
信誓旦旦给了承诺
We made promises to each other with confidence
却被时间扑了空
Yet it has been emptied by time
我知道我们都没有错
I know that the fault is not in either one of us
只是放手会比较好过
It's just that letting go would make things easier
最美的爱情回忆里待續
The most beautiful love is to be continued in my memory
Its Christmas now that i'm typing this entry here.. Suppose to be a happy day for everyone but it ain't happy for me.. I've gotten my one and only Christmas gift, unfortunately that gift is the word "Pain".. Many things have happen when i'm in camp, really alot.. Never expected things to have turned out like this..
I thought everything went assured in my way, but i found out i was wrong when i booked out of camp and to find myself not being love anymore.. So i guessed that its true that i told a few friends that day on my friend's bday celebration that nobody wants a person like me.. Its painful and can't help the tears flowing, but its better to let it flow now coz i won't be able to let it out for the upcoming week.. "She" is a nice and wonderful gal.. To me she's never a liar or a bitch like what she called herself.. Just that i really forgot how to step back and think of wad i needed to say to her.. Friends said i made a wrong and fatal move, and maybe they are right.. Now she's gone and pissed with me.. I heard that she patched up with her ex.. It surprised me though, coz she did told me before that she didn't love him and never intended to patch with him.. But i don't and will not blame her, though its painful within me but the fact is that i'm quite happy for her.. Why? Its because he can spend time with her more then i could.. I'm serving my NS and he's still schooling.. I won't be able to spend quality time with her unlike him, as he can spend time with her after his sch hours.. I'm sure she will be happy and still in love with him.. I'll have to accept that fact somehow that i'm not in her heart anymore... Its going to be hard as i'll see my platoon mates will talk to their girlfriends happily whenever there is free time and i really do envy them.. There were times like these and i would stare at my phone, thinking of that very one gal.. But i know i can't do that anymore and its going to be painful inside.. But again i have to bear with it or either that, i'll just move myself out of my bunk and stare at the sky alone thinking of how is she doing and how much i miss her holding my hand, hugs from her and going near her face to smell her hair.. That is the furthest thing i could do now...
Everything went so fast and painful, but i promised myself to forgive her as she did asked me for forgiveness before.. That's y i'm happy for her that she is with someone she love.. So now i can just say that the most beautiful love is to be continued in my memory..
1:29 AM
NoWaKi
Saturday, December 23, 2006!
Lonely And Missing You
Now its already pass midnight to the 23/12/2006.. But just now during the evening of 22/12/2006, i booked out of camp and was looking forward to enjoy the weekend i'm gonna have.. And so i moved on to celebrate my friend's birthday.. I knew about it since Wed so i was thinking whether "she" was going for the celebration..
I called "her" on Wed night and she wasn't sure whether she wasn't going.. I was like ok, but actually in my mind, i was hoping that she would be there so i would be able to see "her" and was thinking of the days that i didn't hear her voice.. It was about 3 days plus when i last met her that time.. And so of coz i miss her voice alot and was delighted when i heard her voice on the phone.. I was really happy because for the past nights at camp, i got really sad when i couldn't get to her.. Even my close platoon mates are talking to their girlfriends when we have our free time before lights out.. I envy them alot coz they were attached and their gals are always there for them and as for me, i'm very lonely and that "she" will always will be in my mind to call.. So i did try to call, but there was no luck sometimes in contacting her.. But i do know she's busy and tired that's y.. I'd rather to let "her" have a good rest instead of talking to me.. Tears are flowing again, i could only let it out at home when i'm all alone thinking about wad to type here... I've accumulated alot of pain in camp i guess..
Well, anyways back to wad i was saying just now, i booked out and my parents gave me a lift to Marina South where my friend is celebrating.. I sort of got there on time and it was quite a big group, and of coz "she" was there.. I was happy during that time when i saw her.. It was like "finally i got to see her" feeling came and was overjoyed.. Sadly, i wasn't sitting beside her so i didn't talk to her much.. Of coz i wanted to sit beside her so i could talk with her more but i wasn't able to.. She's busy with her own stuff on her side so i didn't wanna disturb her.. I went there with my NS uniform so i look kind of smart =P! Even i could rememeber the date, i went to my friend's belated bdae celebration which was just now on 22/12/2006.. I could rememeber exactly 1 month ago while eating there, on the 22/11/2006, it was my birthday and "she" was spending her time with me.. It really brought back my memories and on my bdae, i really enjoyed spending time with her.. After eating, we all walked back to the MRT station which was quite a long distance, planning to go back to Tampines to watch Death Note 2, but it was full house so we missed our chance.. Still again i didn't really talked with her .. After that we went to the void deck of some unknown block and sit and chat about our stories.. Hehe.. Some are interesting though.. After for awhile, we all headed back home and when i saw her left, pain started to come back to me.. I was telling myself, y didn't i take the initiative to actually go talk to her.. But its all too late and that she's asleep, i won't want to disturb her or maybe if have the time, i would pop by her workplace to see her again..
All because i'm lonely and missing her, and i really wan her to be my side.. Even my fren who was celebrating his birthday told me to chase her as she wanted me too.. But i'm the only person who knows wad she is thinking of right now, whether she wants me or not..
1:32 AM
NoWaKi
Saturday, December 16, 2006!
Tears In The Sun
*Sigh* Just came back from camp a few hours ago.. Well, I'm an SCDF(Singapore Civil Defence Force) member now.. I'm serving my NS(National Service) that's y i'm there in the force.. Wad does this force mainly do is fire-fighting, paramedics and other things that consist of saving lives and protecting the properties of Singapore..
My story now is that i am a recruit inside.. The lowest rank of all and its like being tortured and trained by the higher ranking officers.. Yes as i stated tortured(some say its training), they took my freedom away and i am being disciplined to the extent that they had to fuck us upside down.. I even lost about $50 as it was stolen from my locker, too bad for me coz i didn't bring a lock for my locker.. At least my handphone was still there.. That day when i was enlisted, i was mentally prepared for wad was coming, but i didn't know that it went overboard my thinking and it was even tougher, not physically but mentally.. I got over into depression everyday ever since i went in to the place.. I started to miss my home and family, especially "her".. Whenever i think of them, my tears would want to come out and my heart is in pain.. Real pain! Cause i really miss them so much! Yesterday during lunch time while i was queing up to wash my tray and mug, my tears came out coz i was thinking of them so badly.. I was sobbing a little and i quickly wipe off my tears to not get any attention.. Even now my tears are rolling down my cheeks as when i'm typing this.. Coz the pain won't stop, the pain of missing them.. Although i got to see my mum now, i still feel we are far apart from each other.. So imagining if i were to meet her, won't that be very painful too? But i really do want to see her.. But i've got a bad feeling now that she is avoiding me.. I talked to her on MSN just now and asked her whether she could wait for me at least til after i POP(Passing Out Parade).. She said she has no idea and she was confused.. I was wondering y and that got me quite worried.. I went to see her blog and yes, there were alot of things troubling her.. She was talking about me going to NS though.. And she was talking about that day on the 10th Dec 2006, where i got a hugged from her and actually wanted to kiss her.. She said she wanted it, but she couldn't.. She couldn't give it to me coz i wasn't able to tell the world about the gal i love, i only could do everything secretly from the start.. Its just that i want to start off in a low profile relationship and later people will eventually get to know..
When she said that in her blog, i felt more depressed and sad, thinking of wad a failure i am that i couldn't show the world about loving her if we were together.. Damn, tears are out again.. Now she said that i'm gone coz i went into NS, its now really killing me and tears are flowing non-stop.. It makes me thinking now that she doesn't like or love me anymore.. I really feel that way and it makes me think about how am i going to go thru this NS life when i dun have her assuring me that she will be waiting for me.. I'm going to really feel lonely.. My body and mind can be trained to resist pain, but my heart can't.. Plus my freedom is being taken away, i will be thinking of her anytime even during training and could really hurt and lose my concentration.. I really dunnoe wad to do now.. Coz i feel that she is avoiding me and she even asked me to forgive her.. Wad does that mean? Its too painful to think.. Maybe i'll just drop by her workplace later in the afternoon to see her if i have the time.. Coz if i dun see her, i would really miss her more and there will be tears in the sun when training..
Kotoba de ienakute mo
(Even if I couldn't put it into words)
Wasurenai kono omoi "ai shite 'ru"
(I will never forget my feelings "I love you")
12:11 AM
NoWaKi
Monday, December 11, 2006!
My Final Fantasy
It may be a day of happiness, sadness, anxiety and nervousness. But it will definitely be a day that my life would change.. Today is my last day before going in to the National Service.. I do guess that my life would change when i'm inside, but i do know that my dreams and goals will never change.. Guess i'll be missing the times when i could do things that i always do when i'm alone or with friends!
Today is my last day, yet i felt so lonely since morning til mid afternoon.. I was alone in the house and needed someone to accompany me.. Wad's worse was that i've got nothing to do and all of my friends weren't free at all.. Even "she" has her own stuff that she has to do.. What luck i had today eh? Sounds like no one never really cared that today is my last day.. But who cares? I'm the one going in and not them.. But seriously i didn't have a company and went out alone to my old workplace.. When i got up the bus from my house, it started to rain heavily.. And its like all of a sudden from dry to wet, as in really wet! The downpour was cats and dogs.. Unfortunately while on the way, there was an accident i saw that has a person lying in the middle of the road with the rain going down on him.. Its an irony though.. I never expected to see something like this a day before entering NS.. I felt sad and uncomfortable.. While almost reaching to the interchange that the bus would drop the passengers off, another "lucky" thing came.. The bus that i was in broke down and the passengers inside had to wait for the next bus to come which was about 10 to 15 mins.. We got a free ride though, but the rain was horribly heavy during that time.. Good thing that the bus driver has an umbrella to transfer the passengers to another bus.. Still got wet though and almost caught a cold.. But i find it very unfortunate for today.. Why would my last day end with such cold endings? Even "she" dun have the time for me.. All i wanted was to see her face for the last time and smelling her hair.. But i guess its too late.. Felt like crying though, but even if i cry, its not like i will see her now.. I really miss her! I feel like seeing her now.. Even if i told her that, she won't let me for some reasons..
Now all i hoped is for her to take care of herself, as i may not be able to see her for quite long.. At least she will be in my heart and mind as a memory til then.. Its late now and i guess i'll need the rest for tomorrow's new day of my life.. This is my final fantasy!
Kokoro dake ga bishonure na no sa
(My heart alone is drenched in the storm)
Ima wa tada nemuritai omae no mune de
(Now I only wish to sleep on your bosom)
9:44 PM
NoWaKi
Saturday, December 09, 2006!
I Was Lost And Founded Myself
Yesterday was a day of horror, as in i was practically trying my luck to find the place that i wanted to reach when i thought "Is it reachable?".. But overall, it was fun! HEhE~! The day goes when i was told by my mum that i could use the car and that was about 2.30pm when i left the house for the ride i got for the day..
My plan was surprising her at her workplace in Kallang area and so i drove off and set my sights on that place.. Took the PIE Expressway where its linked to Kallang and i got to some road that's quite familiar.. Now here is the bad part, when i entered that road, i do not know the actual way to Kallang and it got me quite nervous though.. I just kept going til i see more multiple roads and signs, but they weren't telling me "To Kallang, this way -->".. So it was a crazy thing and complicated.. I'm a Noob driver so can't be blamed! :P I went on and passed Lor 1 Geylang which is actually Kallang area was just next to it -_-"! I went all the way down following the streets in Geylang, and before that i was like in Upper Boon Keng Road going to Bendeemer Road and so on, i even went to Bugis Junction which i dun even know how to get there in the first place.. It was really my luck though.. And i almost turned in to CTE Expressway that leads to the west side of Singapore (Kallang is in the east side).. Heart was pumping and but i still stayed calm (Well, for the mind is calm at least).. Went to Beach Road, went in to lanes that not suppose to turn into.. While i was on the flyover towards somewhere, I saw the MRT station from afar and i recognised it... It was Kallang MRT Station! I was like "For the love of God i finally found it".. Headed towards it and turned inside to the HDB flats that were there, and that's when i noticed that the road there was Lorong 1 Geylang -_-"! I was like "Hey, didn't i just passed here just now?" Turned in to the public carpark and saw a Hawker Centre there.. The block number was 17 and so i started to sms her about details of her workplace.. Asked about the block number and wad kind of place is it.. And she told me "Block 17 and a hawker centre".. I was like "Alright i got to the place!"
I put my parking coupons for 2 hours and realised something, it was already 5pm! Means i was driving for like 2 and a half hours just to look for the place! And talking about the petrol, i used about a quarter of it :P! Shagged when i reached there.. Happy to see her though coz i know i made it there, and i guess she was quite surprised to see me there.. Said hi to her mum and began talking to her.. Not much customers going to her stall though so that's y she could sit and talk to me most of the time (They are doing a food family business in case anyone who reads this wanna know).. But it was fun, told her things of the impossible but possible in the end.. HEhe~! And she was happy that i made it here after so long, or was she happy that i didn't get lost in the end? Lol! Can't remember.. But hey, i made it there in one piece.. Although i had to go through alot of trouble like being horned at by other cars and got into a slight traffic jam, it was fun and i took it as a learning experience! Talked more about her family business and it was quite hilarious as her father was sort of a boss for many shops O_o! It was 7pm plus and i had to make a move home.. Said bye to her mum and she walked me to my car and i parted from there.. Was on the way back and i almost got lost again.. i was like "How do i get out of this place?" Luckily, i saw ECP Expressway sign that leads to the area where i stay, before turning in i was at the traffic light junction where she msged me "Msg me when u get home safely.. Hope u dun get lost.." HehE~! I was like "Hey she's thinking of me! =3!" Turned in to the expressway and headed back to where i came from, its a long ride though.. But at least i know the way for that place.. Reached home at about 8.15pm and satisfied i guess..
Overall, to i think everything went smooth as i did managed to get to see her.. I was really happy for that time as it was worth.. Fun having to be lost and founded myself again huh? =)
Itsu kagayaku ka
(When would it shine)
Ai no ai no oorora
(The aurora of love)
10:38 AM
NoWaKi
Thursday, December 07, 2006!
Sweet Memories Will Always Stay Within My Heart
I have one dream that i always think of, a dream that has been with me since childhood.. And that is protecting people, especially someone that's of importance to me.. I've always thought that it would be like this, that's why i always think that it is why i have existed in this world..
But i realised something, that is whether could i even protect my own heart? From wad? We can say almost everything that could could hurt it.. Words, feelings and maybe the one and most painful one is the mind and memories.. Memories that could hurt someone so bad that you could just breakdown and cry.. That's why i knew i couldn't, as in i couldn't even resist the painful memory of someone.. Someone that is different and unique! And i can say that she is really different.. But at least i know one thing i have achieved and maybe that's my ability.. I have never hurt anyone whom i know with words..(Maybe i did to some people who deserved it though) But its also because of this ability i have, i've got to know countless friends.. So many that i couldn't even remember some of their names.. But having too many of them has its disadvantages too.. Why? I'll tell u something that i have personally noticed, is that some of them can hurt u back.. And still i've never hurt them back.. I knew i was strong enough to take these pain from them or maybe even i got used to it..
But there is always one that i can never ever resist, is a person that is in my heart.. A person i love deeply is the person that can hurt me and never resist it because i love her.. Not by words, feelings or anything, but by the pain in her heart that she felt before.. That is why i want to protect her, love her and give her the best even if the pain is unbearable.. Throw away the word called "Pain" and stay strong.. That's wad i always believe and that's how i will stay happy and continue pursuing my dreams..
Right now i'm thinking of that someone whom i want to love and never stop loving her.. Coz maybe she could be loving me back.. I won't know and that's why i won't give up.. The sweet memories of me and her will always stay within my heart! That's for sure!
Yume nara aeru sa shiawase michite
(She can always see him in her dreams, and still be happy)
Ai no itami wa inochi no akashi
(Love's hurts are part of life)
11:54 PM
NoWaKi
Tuesday, December 05, 2006!
Patience Is A Virtue
OOoo... Great day if you wanna say it.. When out with the gal that i like! Its cool as i got to use the car almost the whole day and travelling was so much easier for us.. =P! When out with her today, or basically i just went to her house first as to sort of like, bringing her out from her doorstep and guiding her to my car.. HEhE~! She was quite surprised that i brought the car though, as it wasn't expected that i would be able to use the car.. Muahahha!
Drove her to East Coast Park to spend quality time with her.. And these are the times when i must really treasure.. We just sat there from like 4+ til abt 7:30pm talking so much about ourselves.. It was the same place where we sat during my birthday.. So its a remembrance and something special.. Plus she dresses beautifully today where i actually didn't expect her to.... basically dress beautiful today.. hehE~! Just casual wear will do for me but well, its quite rare to see her like that.. And yet again i confessed to even more deeper conclusions and answers while the sun was setting.. Told her that i thought of her every single day ever since the last time i met her.. And i did ask her that whether did she do the same, thinking of me everyday at least once.. To my surprised, she said yes and she even said that actually she wanted to cancel today's outing for some reasons, but she actually misses me that's why she didn't hesitate to go on a date with me! (Well, i'm the one who got her trapped one corner and she blabble out everything about the missing me part :P!)
When i heard that, i was delighted and happy as i really didn't expect her to be doing all these.. Even when she was in Genting, she still did think of me! (Is that why i'm having flus almost everyday?) It was a great feeling when i heard about it... Really great! And the last but not least question was, of coz, will she be my steady girlfriend? But unfortunately, her answer was "I dun know"! She told me that its not a "no" but is not a "yes" either.. But hey lets look at the bright side, she told me more that she's not ready yet and her mutual feelings are there.. And that we should go out on more dates, knowing each other better as she had some bad experience in the past.. When i heard that, i felt like loving her more coz when she said this, it made me respected her and love her even more.. ( =) can i say love?)
Its something she doesn't want it to happen again.. And she told me that this isn't a rejection, its just a matter of time spending with her and there will be acceptance down the road.. I'll just have to be waiting, as she told me that she can't afford to let go a guy like me~! Patience is a virtue eh? :)
Are wa are wa moshi ka suru to
(Could it be the beginnings of love,)
Sotto tsugeta ai no kotoba ka
(Burning gently like a flame just kindled?)
11:40 PM
NoWaKi
Sunday, December 03, 2006!
Had Fun And No Fun At All! So What Must I Do?
Wad a day i had today.. I got to use the car for like 6 hours? Muahahah! Dun get to use the car this much though, and its rare! HehE~! Went to Singapore EXPO with Stewart to get his new iPOD and i got myself a new keyboard which now i am currently using.. Feels cool and sleek!(To me it is though) I also bought a World of Warcraft board game for Alex for like $135! Ouch! Can't believe he was willing to spend that much..
After we got everything, fetched Stewart home and headed back home to pass the car to my mum as she needed it for working purpose.. To my surprised, she told me to fetch her to work instead so i could use the car more later, but of course i've got to fetch her back later at night.. I was like "WEE~!" in my heart.. HEhE~! After dropping off my mum at her workplace, headed to Alex house to pass him the board game and played WOW TCG(World of Warcraft Trading Card Game) with Jeremy as he too came over to play.. And wad luck i had~! I owned Jeremy with just 1 health left! Muhahaha! Me RULE~! The match itself lasted for half an hour and it was a tough game! And talking about the time, it was 8pm when the match ended and i have to fetch my mum at 8.30pm.. And so as i wanted to go off, Alex and Jerk(Jeremy) requested that i drop them off at Century Square as Alex have to buy some stuff while Jerk is heading home soon.. Left to pick up my mum, reached her workplace at about 8.25pm and she came down 10 mins later.. Brought her home and feeling satisfied for the day as i got to use the car practically the whole day.. hehEH~! Talked with some frens on MSN.. And i finally got the chance to talk to the gal i like.. She's been busy with work and so yeah, that's y no chance to see her at all.. Been more then a week since i last saw her though.. And now she's telling me that she got cuts while she was working.. That got me shocked and worried for her.. And she told me that her cuts might have gotten infected and she is not doing anything to it.. I was like, WhoA! That got me even more worried and grumpy! And the craziest thing i was thinking is buy her medicated cream for her cut as i am meeting her in 2 days time(That's if nothing happens in her workplace that needed her to come back to work =\) But hey, why not? I could just buy the medicated cream tml and bring it out when i meet her just in case her cuts are not healed yet :).. *sigh* i'm worried for her.. Guess it would be normal as i'm thinking of her everyday and not a single day missed of not thinking of her..
Ever since that day when we both confessed to each other that we like each other, but i had this thought that even though she like me, that doesn't mean she would want to be my girlfriend right? She even told me that i could be loneliness as she just broke 2 weeks ago.. Wad can i say? I always think of her, and i'm here like a fool thinking is she doing the same thing, thinking of me too everyday? My instincts tell me she's not and her feelings for me is gone.. Basically not into me anymore.. I dunnoe.. I dun even dare to ask her to be my steady girlfriend as i'm afraid i would freaked her out and get rejected by her.. Buy my ex-colleague said to me "You won't know unless u try right?" True for that but....... i dun see any hints from her asking me to tackle her... She doesn't talk to me on MSN and sms me first.. Its always me that always start a topic to talk to her.. So that's y i dun get any hints..
I'm going NS soon and time is running out for me.. Should i ask her on the day when i meet her? Or should i just stay quiet and just go out with her casually? Wad must i do? =\
Hon no sukoshi yuuki wo dashitara
(If only I can be a little more brave)
Futari ga hitotsu ni nareru no ni
(We can become one)
11:51 PM
NoWaKi
Saturday, December 02, 2006!
Running Out Of Time
HeH!!~ Suppose to post my first post yesterday but nvm, been busy yesterday with frens.. Was happily driving out my family's car to know more places. Been places where i have never been with the guidance of a friend. Honestly it was great to go places with the car. Never felt this way before i guess. HehEHE~!
After that got to get home quick as my parents wanna use the car :(.. Sad! but at least i had my fun with the driving and travelling. After that went to another fren's house to play WOW TCG, and i finally won him the first time out of 6 to 7 rounds since the we started playing? heHhehe~! Yeah i suck at these kind of games but hey, its not a matter of win or lose, its about playing the game and have fun.. Muahahah! Played games and watched how physics work on my friend's com, i was like wow! @_@.. I've never knew that physics could actually defy gravity! (I dun learn physics so dun mind me.. Heh~!) Left the house after that to meet another friend to go HIGH. HIGH is a cyber cafe cum bars, which is basically a lan shop with a clubbing feel. Hehe~! But its a great place and we stayed there all night til 5.30am this morning til we got home. So tired and sleepy when i got home. But during all these things that i did yesterday, i'm always thinking of someone. Someone who i wanna spend time with but unfortunately, she's busy with loads of stuff. Wad more is that i'm going into NS in just 10 days from now. 12/12/2006 will be the day i will be shaved on my head. hehe~! That's y i wanna spend time with her.
I also got for her something, but i didn't get the chance to see and give it to her. I hope i could see her more often before going into NS. That's just wad i hoped for as i'm really running out of time now.
Boku Ga Ai Wo Tsutaete Yuku
(I'll Keep Showing My Love For You)
2:11 PM
NoWaKi
