Fool Again

Guess my blog is the only place to be able to pour my sorrows out.. Why is it when i like someone, it always end up being in a love triangle? Its so that i ended up being ditched away when my hopes and feelings when more then what i expected of myself.. I couldn't help it.. We can't really control our feelings whether to like or love someone right?

I know of a girl whom i knew by ear about 5 months ago.. We only met each other a month ago and things for me were developing quite fast for me.. Unfortunately, it wasn't the same for her.. It all began when a friend told me that he just met this hot girl whom he wanted to chase.. Showed me her picture through friendster and he was happy about it.. About a week later, he told me they were together already.. Surprising eh? And so life when on and didn't really bother them since i had my own problems to deal with.. Though occasionally i asked my friend of how were the both of them doing and stuff.. Definitely the good and bad stuff are out, but that's part and parcel of a relationship so i assume everything is normal.. But things didn't go wad it expected to be.. My friend had been doing things behind her back.. Things that i wouldn't want to do if i'm with someone i love.. I won't say wad it is, but things that can hurt the other party real bad.. And regrettably i had to be there to witness all of it.. It didn't feel good but at the same time, i couldn't tell her of the things he did.. I do not want to see a relationship go sour and destroyed because of me.. Guess it was the phobia i had.. I told things to my frens which i felt they needed to know, but i ended up being labelled "big mouth" and so that got me..

I knew almost everything about wad he wanted to do.. I knew he was gonna hurt her bad, but i did not know wad to do.. And then everything happen so fast, it was just about 3 weeks ago that the relationship was broken.. I wanted to talk to her.. Try to comfort her but i guess it didn't really go well.. Then so i appeared to help her in any ways i can.. She's still so in love with him even though i told her the negative things that he did.. Right up til now all she could think was him.. I helped her in anyway i could to ask him to talk to her, give in to her wishes and regard it as the last of it.. I even met her to comfort and talked to her.. Since she needed someone who knows him to talk to badly, all i could do was to assure her that i would be there for her.. It was also around this time i developed feelings for her.. And out of the blue on a night, that i met her for a drink and comforting her, told me that she had feelings for me but wasn't sure.. My first reaction was kind of happy but at the same time i knew it was wrong.. She was confused and lost at that moment because she just cried out her sorrows that night.. And she just broke up so she needed lots of attention especially coming from a guy she like.. And so the more i wanted to help her.. The more i wanted her to forget about him and move on.. Not really because of me, but for herself..

And so my feelings slowly developed as i went out with her to do the things she wanted, company her to a place where she wanted to do something.. I took it as dates but she didn't.. Basically, i spent time with her and at the same time, helping her to move on.. Sat down and talked alot more about ourselves.. Though most of the time she talked about her ex, i kept cool and let her share wad she needed to.. We got a little closer by meeting up more often.. And i thought things were developing good and steady.. But i was wrong.. I ended falling in love with her but she couldn't do the same.. Asked advice from other friends.. One told me that she was indirectly using me, like a rebound, but i have the upper hand and he asked me to just keep her company.. But be careful not to step onto my own trap or i would end up being like in her current state.. Another told me to just ask her to be my girlfriend and not waste time.. I did ask what if it is a rejection, and he told me that at least i know the answer and she would be playing with my feelings, and then i could move on too.. I didn't really want to believe wad they said.. Because i knew her feelings for me was there for quite long and just went on slowly with her.. She even told me of how she was attracted to me, wanting to write about me in her blog and stuff.. Even a time when she said that when she forgets him, she will be together with me.. It was like an assurance.. Things that kept my hopes higher and ongoing.. But things didn't turn out the way i expected to be..

Just yesterday i got an unexpected answer from her.. An answer that i was mentally prepared with but didn't expect it to happen.. She told me the feelings that she developed for me might just be admiration or infatuation.. Told i had warnings from her along the way that her feelings are unsure and telling me not to fall in love with her, i still couldn't help it.. She told me that everyday she was still thinking of her ex and even think of him as a motivation to do her work.. I'm amazed as she was the first girl that i seen to have a thinking like that.. She told me that her feelings for me wasn't there anymore.. Hearing that was hurting.. I didn't really know wad to say.. And at that point of time, she sort of blamed me for not telling her everything when they were together and i waited til everything is over and then i spoke.. I felt that she was angry and had some hatred towards me.. From that point, i knew it was really over for me.. But somehow i didn't want to be angry or anything.. I still felt for her.. Just a little disappointed to hear an unexpected answer.. And today she gave me answers that really broke my heart.. I raised up the topic again when i met her and i could see her face.. Angry, annoyed, frustrated while looking somewhere else and talking to me.. Saying things like we never dated or anything and we have just been talking all these while.. And she just conclude that we will just be friends.. That was my most hated sentence to hear.. All i could say was too bad for me.. That he entered her life first instead of me.. But i knew, if he didn't enter first, i wouldn't have too.. If i could, i would really want to turn back time and change everything.. Seriously he was lucky to have a girl like her.. Just that he didn't treasure and love her the way it suppose to be.. The way she does things for him makes me really envy them during their time together..

I always wanted someone like her.. Too bad she told me that she might not do the same for other guys besides her ex.. I did ask her if waiting was possible, but she said she doesn't know she will have that feelings for me being reignited and i would be wasting my time.. From that point, i felt that she really just wanted to treat me as a friend and nothing else.. Sad though.. Someone did ask me "What's this thing we have with each other?".. I couldn't really defined it so i asked around.. And i finally knew the meaning of it.. A meaning that sort of relates to my current situation now.. Though i do miss her voice and face now, i can't believe that I'm the fool again..